4 Tips for Improving Social Skills

Do you frequently mull over past interactions and wonder "how could that have gone better?" The conversation was awkward, and while there were things you felt comfortable talking about, you felt like you didn't actually connect with the other person.

Here are some areas that you can work on that will improve communication, and help you walk away feeling satisfied with your interactions.

Actively Listen

Sometimes during conversations, it's easy to become focused on your perspective, especially if it's something you feel passionately about. You just can't wait to share all the interesting facts and details.

Remember that you are making a point to talk to someone, not at them. If you want someone to value your input, you have to show that you value theirs. Respond to what they say when they finish talking, don't just continue with your original train of thought. Even if you think you know what someone is going to say, don't interrupt them to respond. Wait until they are done.

Take note of obvious body language; crossed arms are usually a sign someone is "closed off" and feeling anxious or angry, and it may be an indication you should ask for feedback on if what you said was upsetting. 

Show Interest

This can be accomplished by asking questions about changes and occurrences in the other person's life. This should be stuff that is "out in the open" or already discussed with you personally. If they have a new haircut or shoes you like, give them a compliment. Stay positive and be polite. "That coat is better than your last one. The green one made you look fat" is something known as a backhanded compliment and is seen as an insult against the person rather than the item in question.

If eye contact is a mystery to you, or feels vaguely threatening, there are some hacks around that. Staring at a person's nose or forehead tends to create the same impression and no one's the wiser.

At the very least, keep your body facing the other party and be mindful of your expression. Sometimes when they concentrate, people furrow their brow or frown. While you don't have to smile all the time, keeping your expression relaxed may help the other person feel relaxed. 

Avoid Hot Topics

Some people absolutely relish the debate and discord that comes up with politics, religion and current events but if you are on the job or at a family gathering that is probably not the best place for such things. It can create a hostile environment and hurt feelings, sometimes irreparably. Sticking to benign topics such as family, life goals and work are usually safe bets that keep conversations civil.

Some personal matters may be off-limits, too. Let the concerned party lead the discussion on things such as weight loss, gender or sexual orientation, race or disability rather than hit them with a barrage of questions and opinions they may not want. 

When conflicts are unavoidable or happen by accident, there are a few things you can learn from negotiation training to resolve the tension. Focusing on needs rather than just positions can help find common ground. Sometimes the only need you should address is just an apology.

Be Positive

This doesn't mean changing how you feel or hiding it when things aren't going well, but asking yourself "is what I have to say helpful". It might be tempting to gossip to bond with people, or to utter a snarky one-liner, but does it fix the situation or just exacerbate discontent? 

Be mindful of emotional labor. Sometimes it is used to refer to the effort it takes someone to keep themselves emotionally regulated, but it is also frequently used to indicate the effort to keep others regulated, or improve their mood. Be respectful of other people's boundaries and remember it's your job to keep yourself regulated, not someone else's.

Maya Angelou famously said, "I've learned people will forget what you said ... but people will never forget how you made them feel." Be kind, be polite, and be mindful of sensibilities.